I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
