I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
