my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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