He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize