i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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