i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
