I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize