How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
