Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
