If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
