i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
