forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
