you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
