do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
