Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
