Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
