woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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