I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
