I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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