It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
