I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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