my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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