Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
