If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
