When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
