Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
