last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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