I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
