It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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