You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
