My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
