apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
