Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
