you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize