he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
