Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
