I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Randomize
