Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's shark week go big or go home
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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