That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
