i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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