just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
