My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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