I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
