I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
