Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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