That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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