You just made me feel so damn special
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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