My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
