Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
