I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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