She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
