The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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