I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize