I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
