dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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