i barfeds in our rink
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
