Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
