it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can't put those talents on a resume
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
