sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
