we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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