ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
