I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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